At the time, I couldn’t imagine doing anything worse.
There are worse things, in case you were wondering. It’s up there. Definitely in the top three worst things I’ve ever had to do, but it isn’t the worst.
And I’m alive.
And I’m beautiful.
And removing my breast didn’t affect my intellect.
And my life feels together for the first time in a long time.
And being boobless (nippleless, really) doesn’t make me any less attractive to the other gender.
And I remember how to have fun and live life again.
And I feel like a rock star.
I no longer need sleep medication. I no longer need anti-anxiety drugs. I no longer need an anti-depressant. I’ve lost probably 20 pounds since this day last year. I exercise now. I spent eight weeks recuperating from the mastectomy, and had two other surgeries and spent lots of time in my plastic surgeon’s office getting my boob filled since this day last year, and I still managed to do all of this – and threw the Mini and my marriage meltdown in there for fun. I don’t go to therapy as often (even though I like it) because I don’t need that constant support. I am at least halfway – maybe three-fourths – into digging myself out from a pile of backlogged work at my job. I’m starting to spend time with my friends listening to their problems, instead of just talking about mine. I’m volunteering again.
I don’t feel angry all of the time – hardly ever. I have a check on my emotions, even though I have a lot about which to be emotional. I don’t raise my voice to Colleen as much as I did in the past. I have quite a bit of energy, although I want to see that get a little better. I sealed my deck all by myself.
My house is trashed. I can’t keep Colleen up to date on homework assignments and I keep forgetting to send her lunch. I don’t sleep as many hours as I should and I drink too much coffee. I am not eating quite the way I want at the moment. And I’m flat-ass broke. Actually, broke would be an improvement – I’m near bankruptcy.
I don’t care. It will all work itself out. None of that even rates among the top ten worst things I’ve ever done. None of it.
I’m a survivor.