A miserable day for me

I had a miserable time today trying to get relief from this pain. It’s really hard to describe. I’ve been trying and can’t come up with words. It’s bizarre and awful. Made me cry a lot. Uncontrollable. Sucky.

Finally got some relief around 3 p.m. this afternoon after four phone calls to the doctor. (They returned our first call, but that didn’t get me what I needed, so it took three more calls to get a new answer.) I’m taking a combination of the maximum doses of ibuprofen and Percoset that I can have, per the nurse’s instructions. I’ve had more painkillers today than I’ve had all year – and I had a biopsy and surgery this year!

My brother is having teeny improvements. It seems like it is slow going, but I get the impression that’s ok. He will definitely be in ICU for several more days and will be in the hospital for days after that. Everyone is exhausted, of course – his wife, our parents, his in-laws, his kids. All are worried and in and out of his bedside. I would have been there, too, if I hadn’t been incapacitated by this pain since yesterday. But he is getting better, not worse; this is good.

My father-in-law continues a gradual decline. My mother-in-law sounded ok on the phone today, all things considered. She is having Hospice come as needed and is relieved to have them available. She is glad to have time alone with him at home. Russ is not in pain and is sleeping lots. There are blessings in all of this.

Friends asked me yesterday how I was still standing, still functioning after all of the drama and trauma in our lives. Partly, the answer is that I got numb a long time ago. When my dad had heart surgery in April, I felt like I had met my limit of fear and anxiety. I’m not sure I’ve felt much since. I’m certainly very foggy. And I find that I have developed a really strange distance from other people’s problems. I have always been really good at getting wrapped up in other people’s concerns – wanting so much to help them, even when the situation didn’t need my help. But now, I hear things and I feel concern, but have no desire whatsoever to be involved. I have this feeling in me that’s something like, “Gee, I really hope that works out for you.” I don’t mean that sarcastically. I do feel caring toward the person, but I have nothing more to offer than a few nice words.

In the last few days, it has been boggling my mind that for all that is happening to me, all of those same things are happening to everyone around me. My mother has two children who are very sick, a husband recovering from heart surgery, a grandson in Iraq and lots of middling concerns that were around before all this junk started. My daughter has a grandpa dying, a mom who is sick, an uncle moving away and multiple close relatives hospitalized in the last year: both grandmas, both grandpas, an uncle. My husband, who lost his father five years ago, is about to lose his stepfather (the man who raised him) and, of course, is beside me with all the crap I’m dealing with.

That’s just a few of the people. Let’s not forget my mother-in-law, sisters, dad, my brother’s family, all my nieces and nephews, and our friends. Sometimes, I imagine we have friends who don’t read this blog because it’s just too damn sad. I have to avoid CNN because I end up on anti-depressants if I watch it. I would understand if you can’t read this blog for the same reasons.

We have really great friends. We have a really great family, too, but they are all tied up at the moment! Thank goodness friends have stepped in to help. Someone brought us a fantastic dinner tonight, which was great. The popcorn I had for breakfast and lunch just wasn’t going to cut it for dinner. Another friend called while I was in the midst of agony and told Troy she would come rub my legs if I needed it. I think she was serious. I was too out of it to accept, but I might just take her up on it tomorrow. Troy and I are so completely wiped in numerous ways that we are ready to take help I’d never thought I’d want or need. When we first asked for help – rides, meals, babysitting, dogsitting – it was hard. But once people did a few things, we realized what a complete relief it was. Just having Petey (the dog) go to a friend’s house for a few weekends ended up being a tremendous help. I’ve been extremely grateful all along for the meals people have brought. But I couldn’t imagine what else we could possibly need or be able to ask of people.

I’m afraid, though, that we now probably need a lot more help than we have asked for. I’m afraid Troy is running out of emotional batteries, which is really going to mess us up. My daughter hasn’t had a bath in several days. The cats need to be fed, but I can’t get to the food to get it for them – it’s a Troy job, but he is asleep. If I feel up to it tomorrow, I’m going to have to find a ride to see my brother because I won’t be able to drive myself. I really wish my mommy could come move in for a few days! Unfortunately, both our mommies are in need of help themselves.

Maybe this will seem different tomorrow. I hope so.

Author: rosie

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15 Comments

  1. Hang in there guys! Been there done it and still going through it. I’ll have Bill call and check on Troy. Tim Walker does this for Bill and it helps immensely to have a friend to vent on!
    You will make it! You are a Woodsie!

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  2. Sending good thoughts and LOTS of energy and healing your way! If I were closer, I’d jump in to help in other ways, too.

    Hang in there — you know people are pulling for you!

    Hugs,
    Margie

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  3. Rosie,

    I’m so sorry to read that you are having such a hard time with all this stuff. I will pray for you and your family. I know that it seems that everyone gets scared away by these things and that you are concerned about appearing depressing, but I think you guys are incredibly brave to post this and share with everyone. Thank you.

    Take care,
    Naomi

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  4. Rosie,

    Hey girl, just wanted to say Hi from Cannon Falls MN. Wish I could do more than just write you little notes … I was reading your posts and my heart just goes out to you guys!

    (Too bad you didn’t just need a heart transplant … but then again, I am still using mine for awhile!)

    Hope the cat gets fed, you find the energy to give yourselves a hug and tomorrow everything feels just a little bit better in your world.

    Thoughts and prayers your way,

    Lori Ann
    J4 Web (Women Designers Group)

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  5. Sounds like you could definitely use some major hugs right now, so I’m sending you a few from Texas. Just know that you and your family are in a lot of prayers and have so many thinking about you.

    Sending good thoughts,

    Karey C
    (on the Women Designers Group)

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  6. Oh Rosie – hang in there, you can do this, because damn – things have got to get better. Even when I’m not commenting, I’m out here reading, and what your taking the time out to write is amazing, moving stuff. I’m sending good vibes and energy your direction !

    Joni (WDG)

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  7. Hi, Rosie. Overwhelmed is the word that comes to mind. I thought I was overwhelmed by my own life and all the people in it whom have needed my help lately. But all the people living directly in my house are healthy and that is a blessing so big…that everything else seems small in comparison! I am in southern California and realize that I cannot be of much help to you physically, but if you could use a virtual assistant for a couple of hours here and there to help you catch up on business or family / friend correspondece, I am happy to help – you can visit my website to see my capabilities and contact me directly through there. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers…as well as those of many more of your WD friends.

    All the best~
    Christine Wade
    http://www.ChrisTech.net

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  8. Sending you good wishes and hugs. I don’t know what to say except stay strong!
    (WDG)

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  9. Hey Rosie !

    I can’t believe what you’ve been through ,.. but hang in there .. it HAS to get better right !

    We miss you on WDG … DJ revamped the whole thing.
    I don’t know where you live – but if I can get you anything from New Jersey – or if I’m near enough to bring you a dinner – just yell.

    Give Colleen a HUG – it’s amazing how much more kids understand than we think they do.

    HUGS and Prayers.

    Donna

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  10. I’ve been following your story, Rosie, and we pray for you and your family everyday. Cancer really sucks.

    I don’t know if you’ll ever laugh about this, but it will get better. Please don’t stop writing either; you, Troy and Colleen are stronger than you think you are.

    Many healing hugs being sent from our house to yours.

    Ronni Rhodes
    WDG group

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  11. hey girl,

    you need some hugs and we are here to give them to you. so from CT, a big bear hug and a pounder hug… (my dog whose birthday is today).

    Give everyone you know a hug from me too OK?

    DJ

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  12. Rosie, I am just so sorry to here all that you and your family are going through and wish I could be there to lend a hand. I will keep you and yours in my thoughts … sending lots of love and light your way. Hugs, Tamalita

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  13. Rosie, I read your blog when I can, and you all have been through too much. Sending you and yours big hugs and good vibes!

    Yelena

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  14. We’re thinking about you and praying for you Rosie. Your spirit is so strong and you have many strong people right behind you ready to help you through this tough time.

    ((((Hug))))

    -Alison

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  15. Hey there Rosie,

    Sorry this is late, I am also behind on reading my WDG mail and haven’t had a chance to read your site since Monday.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. When things like this happen, I try to remember what my mom always told me….God will never put more on us than we can bear. Sometimes it is hard to remember that, I know.

    One of our dogs, only 6 years old, has been diagnosed with bone cancer. I am helpless to do anything for her, and that is so hard.

    I hope that things get better really soon and know that you have a lot of friends thinking of you and praying for you.

    Suzanne

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